Wednesday, October 19, 2011

For Those Who Have Considered Suicide...

This Thursday, October 20, is National Spirit Day, in which LGBT people and their allies show their support of youth by wearing purple, in remembrance of those LGBT youth who struggled so much and could find no release, and took the ultimate measure and committed suicide.

This, as you may imagine, is a very personal issue for me. Being a gay man, especially one who grew up in the South (and still lives there), it wasn't just hard. It was EXCRUCIATING.

Every time I read about a teen who killed themselves because of bullying, it breaks my heart over and over again. This is truly the most devastating thing a family could experience. The most devastating thing a parent, a sibling, could ever imagine.

I am no psychic, nor a psychologist, but I can imagine the anguish and agony that one feels after someone kills him/herself, and the constant wondering "did i miss it?" or "what could i have done to prevent it?"

What I'm about to write, I have only shared with a VERY select few. Literally, no more than a handful of people in the last twelve years.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was more depressed than I'd ever been, and never having really understood it up to that point, I, of course, thought that it would last forever. I did not have the foresight to believe that it would just go away eventually. That time would ease my pain, and that things would get SO MUCH BETTER.

People will tell you it doesn't always get better, and unfortunately, that can be true. Cause sometimes it does get better, then it gets worse, but guess what? it can also get better again.

This time in my life, as a sophomore in high school, I had a lot of acquaintances, but only a few TRUE, CLOSE friends.

I had said something (I forget what) that clued them in on my depression, and they understood it to mean that I was ready to harm myself. And they were right. I was ready to go home and do something drastic that I could never change afterward. I was ready to kill myself.

Was it due to bullying? Somewhat. More than anything, though, it was due to shame. My own shame. For who I was, for who I wasn't, and for who I never thought I could be.

At the time, my mother had me seeing a shrink, who was nice enough, but I just didn't think he could help. In fact, that day, I had an appointment, but I was planning on blowing it off and going home and doing the deed without telling anyone. I wasn't even sure if I was going to leave a note.

Thank all that is holy and sacred that I had two VERY TRUE FRIENDS who could see what was bothering me, and who'd told me they were gonna tell my mother exactly what I was planning, so if I even STILL went through with it, they knew I'd feel guilty for her knowing and not being able to stop it.

I hear about people who kill themselves, or plan to, who suddenly feel so calm once they've made the decision, both how to, and when to do it. I couldn't believe how calm I felt that day. I was truly prepared to end everything, and nothing else could bother me. Not even when people called me fag in the hallway, or told me they were gonna beat me up because I looked at them in a "gay way."

But something...strange...happened. Something...miraculous. This calm I felt? I could see through it and realize that despite everything I'd been feeling for months, I could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. And that light is what guided me through the rest of the day, and ever since then, the whole of my life.

I'm not saying this light was God, or anything such as that. I DON'T KNOW what it was. Maybe it was the look on my friends' Michael and Michelle's faces that day as I walked toward my mother's car to go to my appointment, but right then and there, I decided not to go through with it.

Suicide is the easy way out. There is no other way to say it. I know it sounds harsh for those who have committed suicide, and I do not mean it as such. But it's the truth. Life is hard. Life is REALLY FUCKING HARD. Those who live it, and continue to live it, and try to make it better, those are the people I admire. Those who end it early? Those are the ones I feel for. Not pity. Those are the ones I empathize with.

A lot of people say they understand, or they may "know" how someone feels when they want to commit suicide. I don't believe anyone truly understands, or knows, how another may feel, unless they've been in those shoes. So when I tell you I know, or I understand, believe me, I DO.

Reading this week about Jamie Hubley, in Canada, and last month, about Jamey Rodemeyer, both of whom killed themselves due to bullying and depression, and both of whom who had posted their troubles online in videos, and tried to beat them, but failed, really made me thing back to that fateful day in sophomore year.

I can't, for the life of me, ever show my ETERNAL GRATITUDE to those two friends, Michael Mohler, and Michelle Moreno (Avila). Thank you, so much, for seeing in me what I couldn't, and believing in me.

These days, I'm a college graduate, with dreams of making it big in New York. I've found, throughout the years, full of both depression and elation, that having a goal is what truly makes a difference, for me. That, and role models, both old and young, who have shown me that I can not only see that IT GETS BETTER, but also that I can MAKE IT BETTER MYSELF.

A special thanks goes out to those who have made IT GETS BETTER videos, and promises, but I would like to specifically site a few...

Zachary Quinto, who just this weekend, revealed that he was gay, had a very powerful video...



Matt Doyle, a favorite of mine, and a true inspiration, every single day...



Chris Colfer...who, if you've read any of my blog before, you know how much I admire and adore...



And because I mentioned him earlier, and it is important to see that even the strongest of us can face such unseen obstacles of pain and torment, Jamey Rodemeyer...







PLEASE, if you are thinking of hurting yourself, please DON'T. Please, for the love of humanity, God, and all that is good in this world (because there is STILL PLENTY OF GOOD), call the trevor Project.

1-866-4U TREVOR


I promise you, it's worth it. I'm not longer considered a GLBT youth, but I've called the number before, just a few short years ago. They can help you. They can guide you. They can show you IT GETS BETTER.

Please...we've lost too many young people who could have made such a difference in this world.

And, please, don't ever forget those we have lost...

Billy Lucas, 15
Seth Walsh, 13
Tyler Clementi, 16
Jamey Rodemeyer, 14
Jamie Hubley, 15
Aiyisha Hassan, 19
Asher Brown, 13
Justin Aaberg, 15
Raymond Chase, 19
Cody J. Barker, 17
Zachary Harrington, 19
Lance Lundsten, 18

A list too long already, but not even close to everyone who should be honored...

Please, wear purple on Thursday, October 20, and don't just wait for people to ask...tell them why...

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